Hate Crimes


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Posted by kevin r schmidt on 01/22/02 - 02:34:05
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After reading a brief exchange between PS and Rush about the merits of hate crime laws.  And for the second time in less than three weeks I have been accused of being pedantic.  I came up with this hypothetical question for all of you to have fun with.  Yes, I used politically incorrect humor in the underlying satire.  But I also wanted to illustrate a point PS made that I have to agree with.   All the information you need is in the hypo.  Only use the information given you to answer the questions at the end.  And please, have a sense of humor ...

Married couple Fred and Wilma Flintstone are affluent White Anglo-Saxon Protestants who are well-educated Ivy League University graduates.  After being married for three years and living in the affluent community of Brookline, MA, Wilma gives birth to identical triplet boys Moe, Larry, and Curly.  All three boys graduated from high school and went onto graduate Harvard Law School.  After graduation Moe, Larry, and Curly resided and became successful and prominent lawyers in Brookline, MA..  Fred and Wilma are very proud of their successful sons.

Moe is a notorious womanizer who frequents the most popular singles club in all of New England, Earth Girls are Easy.  He drives a vintage Porsche with two bumper stickers on the back of his car.  The first one says; Girls, I'm the Man Your Mother's Warned You About.  The second one says, This Car Stops for All Easy Earth Girls.  Everyone who lives in Brookline knows about Moe's legendary womanizing conquest and recognizable Porsche.

One night at Earth Girls are Easy, Moe picked up Victoria Secret with his usual charming and sure-fire line.  "Hey baby wanna come back to my place and get lucky"?  Victoria Secret was so over taken by Moe's charm and charisma that she agreed.  They went back to Moe's place and had a wild night of primitive animal sex.  Victoria Secret was so satisfied and amazed at Moe's sexual prowess that she fell in love with him.  She told Moe that she loved him and wanted to be with him for the rest of her life.  Moe said, "yeah whatever".  As she left, Victoria Secret gave Moe her phone number and told him to call her.  Moe said, "yeah right when hell freezes over".  A month went by and Victoria Secret was still in love with Moe and completely crushed because Moe never called her.  Her heart was broken.  Victoria
Secret told big brother, John Ashcroft what happened.  John Ashcroft is very
protective of his little sister and screamed out in a loud voice, "I promised to kill Moe the first chance I get". John Ashcroft is a well known homosexual and a member of the local militant homosexual militia, Flame Retardants, a group that has vowed to kill heterosexual men who promise to call the little sisters of Flame Retardants' members after sleeping with their little sisters once and promised to call and never do call.

Larry leads a quiet uneventful life in Brookline.  Everyone in Brookline knows Larry is a very friendly ambulance-chasing lawyer.  He drives a one of a kind lime green Volkswagen Beetle with his law firm's motto prominently painted on the doors of the car that says, "Will Sue for Cash". 

Larry represented Dick Chenny in a case where Dick sued his neighbor Julia Childs for the death of Dick's wife, Anita Hill. Julia Childs installed a gas grill in her backyard and one day while BBQ'ing chicken, the smoke from her grill blew over the fence and caused Anita Hill to choke to death from poisonous smoke while she was sitting in the backyard reading Bill Clinton's White House Sex Secrets.  During the lunch recess of the trial, Larry and Dick Chenny went to a bar and had a few drinks.  When Larry got back from lunch he was slobbering drunk during closing arguments, which caused him to lose the case.  The jury found that Julia Childs was not responsible for Anita Hill choking to death and Dick Chenny didn't get a monetary damage award.  Dick Chenny yelled out in court to judge Clearance Thomas in anger, "I hate Larry Flintstone and one day I'm going to kill him for losing this slam dunk win case".

Curly is a well-known very out-of-the-closet homosexual in Brookline, MA. His favorite gay bar is the world famous Butt Pirate located in downtown Brookline next to the local favorite Korean takeout joint, Wok the Dog.  It is a well-known fact in Brookline that his parents Fred and Wilma are disappointed with Curly's lifestyle because it is well known he wears tee shirts while not at work that say, "I'm a Butt Pirate in Brookline". Curly drives a flame red Mustang with dozens of gay pride and Butt Pirate bumper stickers all over the car.  Everyone in Brookline knows Curly and his unmistakable Mustang.

George Bush is a member of the Brookline Neo-Nazi White Supremacist of the Anglo-Saxon Nation.  George Bush was recently voted the local chapter President on the campaign promise to increase hating everyone and killing everyone they hate in Brookline.  He also vowed that the Brookline chapterwould murder Curly by the end of his first term in office.

On Friday the 13th between 8:00 PM and 9:00PM the following murders took place in Brookline, MA.

Moe was at his parent's home and was hungry.  He decided that he would go to his favorite Korean takeout place, Wok the Dog.  Moe called in his order and then asked Curly if he could borrow his Mustang.  Moe drove to Wok the Dog, which was located next to Butt Pirate.  He and parked the car a block away. He picked up his order and was walking back to his car.  Just as Moe passed the entrance to Butt Pirate, George Bush saw Moe, and said, "lets kill him right now".  So they shot Moe dead in a drive-by shooting.    

Curly was at his parent's house taking a shower.  He got dressed and borrowed Moe's favorite tee shirt.  The tee shirt was black with big bright neon green letters that said, "I Love Sleazy Easy Earth Girls at Earth Girls are Easy".  Curly decided he wanted to rent a video and used Moe's Porsche to drive to Weakest Link Video.  As Curly was driving to Weakest Link, John Ashcroft spotted him.  Vowing to avenge what Moe did to his sister, he followed him to Weakest Link.  When Curly got out of the car, John Ashcroft walked up to Curly, took a gun out, and pointed it directly into the center of his chest and said, "so you think my sister was a sleazy easy Earth girl at Earth Girls are Easy? But now your going to die with your Earth Girls are
Easy tee shit on". Before Curly could answer, John Ashcroft shot and killed Curly instantly.

Larry was in the kitchen and spilled mustard all over his tee shirt.  He didn't have a clean fresh tee shirt.  So he decided to wash his tee shirt and found his parents had no laundry detergent.  So he decided to go to the All Night Long convenience store.  With reservation he put on the only clean tee shirt he could find.  It was one of Curly's old tee shirts that said, "I'm a Butt Pirate at the Brookline Butt Pirate". 

Larry drove to the store with his one-of-a-kind Volkswagen eyesore everyone in Brookline knows and loathes car.  Dick Chenny sees Larry in the parking lot of All Night Long Convenience Store with his one-of-a-kind Volkswagen eye-sore everyone in Brookline knows and loathes car and decided that is was time to carry out his promise to kill Larry for losing in court.  Dick Chenny pulled out a gun and shot Larry pointblank killing him instantly.  Dick Chenny did not notice Larry was wearing Curly's tee shirt. 

George Bush, Dick Chenny, and John Ashcroft were all captured by the police, booked and charge for the murders they committed.  The trial was held without any prejudicial errors.  The prosecution was able to prove all the murders were intentional, premeditated with deliberation and malice so the sentence is twenty years with no parole.   

MA has a hate crime statute that says conviction of a hate crime carries a ten-year prison sentence and no chance of parole.

1.   What crime or crimes should George Bush be guilty of and why?

2.   What crime or crimes should Dick Chenny be guilty of and why?

3.   What crime or crimes should John Ashcroft be guilty of and why?

4.   What crime or crimes would Dick Chenny be guilty of if he saw and noticed Larry         wearing Curly's Butt Pirate tee shirt but did not see his one-of-a-kind Volkswagen  eye-sore everyone in Brookline knows and loathes car and why?


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